Clothes!

Well, I just returned home from my first specifically Baby-related shopping trip (not counting the trip for prenatal vitamins, that is). As I mentioned this morning, Baby's starting to push out on Mommy's abdominal region... So Mommy had to go buy new pants!

At first, I felt silly walking around in the maternity section at Target. I felt like I didn't *look* pregnant yet, so people were going to think I was an idiot for shopping over there so soon! But I grabbed some pants and some shirts and made my way to the fitting room, and the MOMENT I slipped on that first pair of pants, I was SO relieved!! They felt SO comfortable--a very pleasant change from the pants I've been wearing these past two weeks, which grow increasingly tighter every few days and have been digging into my waist at work. When I tried on the maternity shirts, however, it was clear I was just a little bit early for that part of the game. They looked huge and awkward on me, and from a profile view made me look more pregnant than I actually look, but from the front they were just terrible. So I made a mental note of the ones I liked, and I'm sure I'll be back in the next two months or so to pick those up. In the mean time, I got some nice LONG stretchy button-down shirts I can wear to work that will hide the maternity waistbands on my new pants, and I predict I'll be able to make those 3 shirts last for 2-3 months (I bought them one size big to lengthen their wearability), and I should be able to wear them again after Baby's born.

I'm VERY excited about my new clothes. Not because I'm a clothes horse (Lord knows I'm not!), but because it helps me feel that much more pregnant that I'm already needing new clothes to fit Baby. :o)

Beginning to "Bump"

Well, I'm at 8 weeks, 5 days today... And I'm sure now that I'm not crazy; Baby's beginning to show!





It's not much... But it's a definite Baby Bump! Not bad for less than 9 weeks. ;o) I'm hoping I start showing to the outside world soon. I want to show up to the wedding on March 17th and have all my friends be able to tell immediately upon seeing me that I'm having a BABY!! :o)

Bed Rest

I just spoke with the doctor on call. Yes, at 11:00pm I called the answering service and made this poor doctor (who happens to be my pregnant boss's OBGYN) call me long distance on my cell. I described what I saw, and she asked some questions about the bleeding before now and cramping and all that. I told her yes, there have been some mornings where there was a little bit of blood with the first urine of the morning, but nothing more substantial than that. No, there hasn't been any severe cramping, only some very mild--much milder than my typical menstrual cramps--that feels like it's probably just stretching, and I started cramping with the passage of blood but, again, it's very mild.

She told me I'm probably fine, that there's no reason for me to go to the ER and spend all my money when they wouldn't do anything differently than my doctors would anyway. She said to wear a pad to accurately monitor vaginal bleeding (if any) that occurs, and I'm to stay in bed and off my feet for the remainder of the weekend. Monday morning, I have to call Dr. Waterman's office and let her know what happened, and Dr. Anderson asked when my next appointment is and said it was likely we'd have to schedule an ultrasound before that point to make sure Baby is growing normally, has a heartbeat, and that there's nothing funny going on inside my uterus. She mentioned a few problems (polyps, etc) that could cause this, but she said she wasn't too concerned and I was probably going to be fine. I told her it was very nice to hear that.

I'm scared. Less now that I've spoken with Dr. Anderson, but still scared nonetheless. It would destroy me if I lost Baby.

And I feel AWFUL for getting pseudo-angry with Asher for his apparent lack of concern when I called him earlier. I know he's not the worrier I am, and I love him for that. It's usually very reassuring, and I *KNOW* if something's wrong, there's nothing I can do. I just can't stand the thought of standing helplessly by while something happens to my baby. I hope I didn't ruin his night with his friends by calling him in tears and with potentially bad news.

If the bleeding becomes heavier or the cramps become severe, I'm supposed to go to the ER for an ultrasound and exam. Otherwise, it's just bed rest tomorrow and a possible ultrasound and exam sooner than expected.

Having a baby is exhausting. Sheesh, if the first trimester is this trying, what's the third going to be like?!? ;o)

Spoke Too Soon

I knew better than to get excited or get my hopes up.

I just went to the restroom. Very large blood clot passed. No signs of trouble, no real cramping, nothing else... Just this random large chunk of almost period-like clotted blood. About the size of a nickel.

I just called Asher in tears. He's out with friends playing computer games. His response: If something's wrong, there's nothing I can do about it.

Sorry, sweetheart, but that's just not good enough.

I'm terrified.

Carelessly Confident?

I am a full 8 weeks pregnant (8 wks, 1 day) today. I know most miscarriages occur in the first 12 weeks... So I've still got a full month before I'll feel comfortable really announcing it to the world. But still, knowing I should wait one more month, I just can't shake the feeling that things are okay now. I feel safe. Like everything's going as it should, there are no signs of anything other than a normal, healthy pregnancy, and Baby is going to be here, happy and healthy and beautiful, in October.

My stomach is really starting to show. As Wendy at work said, if you didn't know what my body was like before, you wouldn't look at me and think I'm pregnant, but for anyone who's paying attention, it's clear what's going on. I'm trying to wear the loosest clothing I have when out with friends to help keep it under wraps a little while longer, but I'm quickly running out of loose clothing. I keep an eye out when at Wal Mart or Target for loose, flowy tops that will work as "transitional" pieces and for pants or skirts that look like they're stretchy enough to last a while. I'm not spending my hard-earned money just yet, though... But it won't be long. Every week I think the coming weekend will be when I have to give in and buy some more clothes, but when the weekend comes around, I try to convince myself I have another week left. I'm down to only one pair of jeans I can comfortably wear though (and even those aren't all that comfortable around the waist tonight!), and every pair of work pants I own is uncomfortable now, too. I think one or two will last through the next week... But I'm not even sure of that. *SIGH* I guess I should just give in and go buy some tomorrow. One or two pairs, and I could make the old ones last as long as possible without having only two things to wear to work.

It's all so... unreal. And overwhelming. I certainly feel pregnant, but I have a hard time believing I'm pregnant. That first appointment at Dr. Waterman's helped quite a bit in making it all more real for me, but even with the slight bulging in my abdomen and the tenderness and endless fatigue, it just seems too good to be true. I can't wait for the first time I feel Baby kick, much less the first time I'm able to see Baby on an ultrasound! (Unfortunately, unless Dr. Waterman deems it medically necessary to do so earlier, we probably can't afford the extra expense of having an elective ultrasound before the standard 20 weeks.)

I'm fascinated by the changes taking place within my body. I'm amazed when I read about what's happening with Baby each day. When I observe my increased need for water, my absolute inability to make it through a full day without a nap or crippling exhaustion, the way certain foods (i.e. my much-beloved snack cakes, alas!) no longer appeal to me, but I just can't get enough salads or fruit juices or grilled chicken... It's incredible. I love every moment of it. :o)

I'm excited that soon, it won't matter if we tell people. They're going to know without a doubt, because the evidence will be there, clear as day. No one will even have to ask. I'm thrilled about that. I keep toying with the idea of just not telling a lot of my friendly acquaintances, knowing that the next time they see me, they won't have to ask. And soon I'll have pictures of my growing belly to post online so everyone can see my joy.

This is awesome. It's a shame Asher doesn't get to experience it as fully as I do. I feel like, at this stage, for him, it's all worry and finances and "What will she let me have for dinner tonight?" I can't wait until he can put his hand on my tummy and feel Baby kicking along with me, or when he holds my hand as we get our first glimpse of our Little One. I know he wants a girl, and for his sake, I hope Baby is. If Baby's a boy, though, it will be far from disappointing to me. I really couldn't care less what Baby's gender is. I just want to give birth to a healthy Baby. :o)

Blossoming

I read in one of my books or one of my email newsletters or on one of my websites that now is the time the mother's body begins "blossoming" into the body of a pregnant woman. Blossoming. Sounds so gentle and graceful and lovely... A far cry from the stretching and cramping and twitching of the expanding uterus, not to mention the gas and constipation and urination every 5 minutes and nausea and the stuffy nose and fatigue... I don't feel like some delicate flower beginning to open. I feel like a fat, bloated, smelly cow with the flu.

My stomach is already rounded quite a bit. When I look down, I see it extending beyond even my colossal boobs. When I see a reflection of my profile, it's remarkably obvious to me that I'm pregnant. Obviously, though, I *know*. I still worry that others will think I'm just fat, but the obvious curves of pregnancy are really starting to emerge.

I'm rather shocked that I'm beginning to show so soon. I don't think it's excessive weight gain too soon: I haven't really gained much weight (maybe a few pounds), it's just my breasts and stomach that are filling out while the rest of me stays put. I'm eating and drinking much better than ever, so extra weight gain seems unlikely at this point. I keep torturing myself with the thought of twins (what an adventure that would be!), but I'm confident it's nothing nearly so exciting. Maybe I just had a small uterus to begin with, so it has to stretch more to keep up with Baby. ;o)

I'm exhausted. I worked 11.5 hours today, we went to IHOP for dinner, and then a quick stop by Target to pick up a few essentials (toothpaste, paper towels, etc.). Now, Asher's gone off to play games with his friends, which is why I'm still awake. I don't sleep well when he's not here. :o( Anyway, I'm giving up now and passing out. Sleep sounds DIVINE these days. :o) Pregnancy fatigue: NOT a myth!

History... Check!

Today was my first prenatal appointment. Fortunately, it was far less terrifying than it could have been. For one thing, there was no actual exam today. Instead, I met with a nurse who asked me several pages' worth of questions about my family history, my history, Asher's family history, etc. The usual stuff (heart disease, diabetes, autoimmune disorders, etc) as well as some questions about chromosomal abnormalities, retardation, and birth defects in the family. There was also the weight check and urinalysis, which I'm told will be done on every visit (no surprise there).

We also scheduled my next appointment for March 12, at which point I'll get undressed for a full exam, a pap smear, and possibly an ultrasound to check for Baby's heartbeat(!!). I already told Asher he has to come to that appointment with me so he can see the first pictures of our Baby if we do the ultrasound at that time. The nurse said a routine ultrasound will be done at the hospital some time around 20 weeks, at which point we'll learn Baby's gender and all that fun stuff that goes along with it. :o) She also said that this next appointment will be the last time I have to undress for an exam until 35 weeks--HUGE relief!!

I walked out of that clinic this morning with a whole ARMFULL of stuff: a consent form for obstetrical care, a receipt for today's visit, a form to take to Goddard for my prenatal bloodwork as well as *ANOTHER* urinalysis (two times in one morning?!? SHEESH!!), a packet of information about symptoms to expect and safe OTC medications and what I can expect at future visits, a pamphlet about classes offered at Normal Regional Hospital (prepared childbirth, breastfeeding, etc), and a "goodie bag" with everything from a baby laundry detergent sample to a free pacifier and bottle and a diaper sample and disposable nursing pads... There's just so much to take in!!

As for now... I've got a hole in my arm from the bloodwork, a million and a half things to think about, and it's about time for me to be heading out to work (I took a little break between the doctors and work; I deserve it! :o) ). I feel good about things. I feel like things are finally becoming REAL.

Baby is due on October 5, 2007. I am 7 weeks, 5 days pregnant as of today. And when we have the ultrasound, we'll see how accurate that estimate is. ;o)

Dear Baby (Part 1)

Dear Baby,

I just wanted to let you know how much I already love you, and how much you have changed my life. Your very existence makes me want to be a better person. Honestly. I want to eat better, to take better care of myself so that my body can continue to take good care of you, to be more responsible so I'll be prepared to teach you, to be more grounded and peaceful and calm so you will enter this life knowing that rather than chaos and stress and unhappiness...

I want you to have everything. The very BEST of everything. Fortunately for us, you have the greatest Daddy anyone could hope for. Brilliant, loving, and wise, I know he will take incredible care of you and will love you as no one has ever been loved before. Soon, Little One, you will be his entire world, and while I wasn't exactly prepared to share him with someone else so soon, I'm happy to share him with you.

You're going to enter into a very blessed life, Baby. You will be forever showered in love and devotion, and no one will ever harm you while your Mommy's here looking out for you.

I'm looking forward to going to the doctor in two days. I'm hoping to catch my first glimpse of your precious figure, or perhaps to hear your tiny heart beating strong so all my paranoid fears can be calmed and I can concentrate on keeping your home for the next 8 months full of peaceful, calm, soothing energy.

I love you, Baby. I can't wait to meet you.

Love,

Mommy

Rollercoaster? Understatement.

I was told (or rather, I read) that I could expect my emotions to be all out of whack, but on some days, I really feel I am going far far FAR above and beyond my responsibilities as a pregnant woman to be emotionally unstable. Now, I recognize that I am predisposed to a certain degree of emotional imbalance, hormones aside. It is that recognition that allows me to justify and *understand* the ridiculous way in which I'm responding to some of the simplest and most ridiculous situations... But, goshdarnit, I don't have to enjoy being crazier than usual.

As far as the rest of it goes... I'm growing rather accustomed to the dietary limitations, the absence of caffeine from my daily routine, and to falling asleep every chance I get to sit still for longer than 3 minutes at a time. It certainly puts a damper on any social life I might aspire to maintain from my old pre-pregnancy life, but I suppose that's all right. After all, I may as well get some sleep now while I've still got the chance. ;o)

I'm terrified about Thursday's appointment. Doctors' offices leave me unbelievably anxious: I tremble and shake, I fidget, I breathe shallowly, and I even cry. This appointment, too, will be a far more *personal* and *intimate* appointment than any other I've experienced, and that just can't possibly make it any less traumatic for me. There's a good chance Asher won't be able to go with me... And that puts me at a great risk for chickening out, as I have done so many, many times before when I just felt I couldn't handle a doctor's appointment... God, I hope my child isn't as weak as I am. I hope Baby grows up strong and confident, capable, determined, and invincible, like Asher. I hope Baby gets nothing more from me than a lot of love. My genes are toxic. I don't want Baby to be anything like me.

Worried

I hope I'm just being paranoid. I really, REALLY hope I'm just being paranoid.

This morning, I noticed some very light spotting. It seemed to have stopped by early afternoon, but I just noticed more, along with two small clots. I'm terrified I'm having a miscarriage, and feeling hopeless because I know too well that if I am, there's nothing that can be done to stop it. So I'm just trying to convince myself that I shouldn't worry...

The pregnancy pains are getting worse. My legs ache and feel tight and sore all the time. I wonder if it's because my job forces me to sit with them extended straight down all day and I can't really prop them up to improve blood flow and prevent pooling. It gets significantly worse every day. I intend to mention it next Thursday at my first OB appointment. Mom had trouble with clots when she was pregnant with me, so any blood-related problems frighten me a bit.

At work today, I was sitting in the staff meeting when I suddenly got dizzy. Really REALLY dizzy! I tried just closing my eyes and cradling my head by my knees for a moment, but it just kept getting worse... Soon other people were noticing the change of color in my face, and I soon found myself sitting on the floor with a cool wet cloth to my face and my legs propped up on a few cases of canned cat food. The room was spinning and I was miserable for a full hour, and when the meeting ended and I *slowly* tried to stand, I thought surely I was going to faint. It took over a half hour of me standing and working before I began to feel stable again.

All this being said, if Baby is healthy and safe, none of this is a problem for me. I'll gladly put up with it and worse every day for the next 8 months if it means I'll have a healthy, happy, safe, beautiful Baby to hold and love and raise... But I'm worried something may be wrong, and I hate knowing there's nothing I can do to protect Baby.

Amazed

I'm blown away by Baby. The changes that are already taking place in my life, despite Baby being so very teensy tiny... it's incredible!! :o)

More than that, though, I'm blown away by Asher. This wonderful, amazing, incredible man who has been a huge part of my life for so long, who has BECOME my life... And who has given me this precious gift, this little one who will undoubtedly be equally as wonderful, amazing, and incredible as his/her father. Our child will do amazing things. Our child will be perfect.

My life is perfect. :o)

Confusion Abounds!

So I've been running around in circles for the last week trying to get an appointment scheduled with my soon-to-be-new OB/GYN... And I finally (theoretically) have it figured out now! *WHEW!*

All the confusion was, of course, due to insurance nonsense. I can't go anywhere but Goddard without a referral, so I went to Goddard to get the pregnancy confirmed, then asked for a referral for an OB/GYN I've heard great things about here in Norman. They told me it was taken care of, that they'd send it over to the new doctor's office and that office should be contacting me to schedule the appointment. They said at Goddard that if I didn't hear back from anyone in a few days, I should call and check on things. That was Monday of last week.

Friday, I called and left messages and never got a call back. I was irked.

Today, I called and left messages, didn't get a call for a few hours, so I tried again. The new doctor's office said they hadn't received the referral, and they needed that for me to be able to come in and fill out paperwork and schedule the appointment. I called Goddard, who (after several transfers and I'll-call-you-right-backs) said I didn't need the referral until after I went in and filled out paperwork. I said, "No, that's not what they told me..." And eventually we figured it out, and the only way it's going to work is for me to wake up early on my one sleep-in-day of the week :o( and go by Goddard tomorrow morning to pick up the referral, then go fill out paperwork and schedule something, then get lunch and somehow get to work by noon because my boss is a jerk and won't leave his wife's side for a moment (much less a few hours) to come in and cover since I'm not scheduled until 4 and the other receptionist has to take her baby to the doctor tomorrow at noon. Tomorrow's going to suck. It's going to be absolutely exhausting, which is bad because the rest I get Wednesday morning is the only thing that gets me through until Sunday. :o(

At least I can finally take the next step and schedule an appointment for Baby!! :oD And, with any luck, I'll be able to schedule a time some time next week when Asher can come with me. :o) I'm very excited to get a more personalized and medically-sound estimate for how far along Baby is, when my due date is, and what I need to be doing to take the best possible care of Baby now and for the next 8 months of growth and development!

I'm looking forward to meeting the new doctor. One of my coworkers recommended her based on her friend's experiences with her pregnancy and a doctor friend's high recommendation of her, and I found out by accident the other day that a close friend of mine recently switched to this doctor as her new gynecologist, and my friend thinks she's wonderful. I have a good feeling about this.

The Joys of Pregnancy

So this weekend was a great big NauseaFest, as the morning sickness kicked in full force. Saturday, I no sooner finished my lunch than it made an encore appearance. The nausea was overwhelming and really didn't ease up at all until I was in bed last night. I keep finding myself in tears, trying to fight back the sick feelings and panicked, afraid I'm going to lose control of my stomach at any moment.

The hormonal effects on my emotions are a trip, too. Some of it, I'm sure, is simply a result of me feeling so lousy all day long (YOU try being in a good mood when your stomach is on strike!), and some of it is just good old-fashioned PMS-ish emotional chaos. Anyway, I'm hating the effect it's having on me at home and at work, and I hate that it's triggering arguments and creating tension in my otherwise happy marriage. I'm just holding my breath and hoping it passes soon...

Work. Work is going to give me a stroke. My manager's wife (who just happens to be the owner) is very pregnant with a high-risk pregnancy, and she's working very short hours right now. He is her primary means of transportation to and from work, and he's basically cut his hours back to match hers. Which wouldn't be a problem, except that any time someone is out sick or at the doctor or something, our schedule gets all thrown out of whack. I work 6 days a week, with Wednesday being my short day (4-7). This week, I'll work 12-7 on Wednesday, only 2 hours less than a regular work day. Meaning I'm going to be stressed and exhausted all week with no break again until Sunday. That's a little much for this pregnant girl! I also was really hoping I could get in on my first prenatal visit this week, and since I have to work early on Wednesday, it cut out the ONLY morning it would have been convenient for me to go. Meaning I'm going to have to take off work for a half day (or whole day, we'll see) for a visit some time next week. And my manager will throw a hissy fit, because while it's okay for him to tell us the day before they have a doctor's appointment that we need to reschedule all her appointments, it's not okay for his employees to EVER ask off work for a doctor's appointment. I don't know WHEN he expects us to schedule them, seeing as how most of us DO work 5 or 6 full days a week... But whatever.

Here I go, being moody again. But I'm seriously ticked at him today for a number of reasons, and I won't allow him to make me feel like my pregnancy is less important than his wife's, or like my medical needs are any less important, or like it's okay to talk to me like I'm an ignorant child and scold me for things I did that were perfectly within the scope of my duties and the "rules" while he turns around and single-handedly screws over the entire day's schedule on a regular basis... *SIGH* I want a new job. If it weren't for the financial situation this pregnancy lands us in, I'd have walked out this morning. I deserve far better than this.

Baby seems to be doing well. My body seems to be changing at exactly the right rate, and I'm experiencing all the symptoms pretty much by the book at this stage of the game. All websites and books seem to have me squarely in the beginning of Week 7 now. Baby has a heartbeat and is slightly less alien-like!! :o)

Little Bonus

The nice thing about where I work and the people with whom I work is that there are a lot of people to talk to about pregnancy. Between the other receptionist with the baby at home and the veterinarian who's going to pop any day now (although hopefully not until April!), I've got people who know the drill and can give me advice and tips. So when I came in today talking about morning sickness, I immediately got five or six suggestions of remedies and ways to prevent it. When I asked if either of them had tried the pregnancy body pillows, I got two very firm "I HATE it!" responses (nice to know before spending $65 on a pillow! ;o) ) Aside from them, there's a whole clinic full of women, and women tend to at least like babies, so there's always someone to talk to. And for A Woman Obsessed, that's a definite perk!! :o)

A Woman Obsessed!

I feel like the only thing I do now is think about Baby. I'm not complaining, mind you--it's just odd to me that two weeks ago, I could entertain myself for hours on end surfing around aimlessly online or watching television, and this week, the only sites that interest me are Babyzone.com, Babycenter.com, Americanpregnancy.org, Americanbaby.com... You get the point. ;o)

The morning sickness is really starting to set in today. I don't feel sick, per se... But all of a sudden, my eyes will start to water, my mouth starts salivating like crazy and tasting salty, and while I don't feel nauseous, I feel like I might vomit at any moment.

The food aversions are the worst part of it, though. Apparently Baby isn't particularly fond of chocolate. I keep informing Baby that Baby is simply TOO SMALL to have an opinion on the matter, but Baby disagrees. So while chocolate has always been one of my favorite comfort foods, the thought of it right now leaves me cold and, at times, slightly ill. This morning, I went to CVS to stock up on Propel flavored water and snacks to get me through the work day. I thought Nutri Grain bars with blueberry filling sounded like a healthy, appropriate, appetizing sort of breakfast... So I bought a box, ate one and LOVED every bite of it, and 20 minutes later, I was still hungry so I went for a second. I took two bites, and all of a sudden all I tasted was overwhelming BLUEBERRY, and I threw the rest of it away. I was so close to vomiting that I actually went and stood by the bathroom door so that, were I to lose it, I would have a much shorter walk to the toilet! It's been about an hour and a half, and I just made a second trip to CVS because I realized the two bottles of water I bought this morning were NOT going to last until lunch, and I know better than to try another blueberry Nutri Grain bar today... So I bought some saltine crackers to help with the nausea, and some Cheezums Pringles to satisfy my strange but overwhelming craving for powdered fake cheese flavor. Mmmmm.... Delicious!! :oD

I talked to Daddy on the phone the other day for a few minutes. Not long, just sorta catching up a bit... He asked how I was doing, and I said alright. After all, I was exhausted, I was on my way home after a longer-than-anticipated day at work, I was a little stressed and more than a little hungry... So "alright" seemed an appropriate response. He immediately came back with, "You sound HAPPY!" He seemed slightly surprised by this (perhaps because he's always been good at picking up my depressive episodes over the phone before, so this was quite a change for him), and I couldn't help but grin and say, "Yeah, I am!"

Mom and Dad don't know yet. I'm waiting until at LEAST after the first prenatal doctor's visit to tell, and probably another month (Week 10). I don't want to say anything too early, because I keep hearing my mom's voice ringing in my head when, four years ago, my sister-in-law had a miscarriage around 7 or 8 weeks, and Mom told me, "Well, it was really too early for her to be saying anything yet." I know the majority of miscarriages happen in the first 12 weeks, and I know that it's as many as 1 in 5 pregnancies that ends this way... So I just don't feel like pressing my luck and tempting fate. Instead, I'm just drinking a lot of fluids, taking my prenatal vitamins, avoiding all the foods that are dangerous to unborn babies, and trying to take the best care of myself and of Baby as is possible at this stage of the game. I'm praying a lot, too, that God will watch over Baby and help Baby to grow strong and healthy so Asher and I can give him/her all the love and attention he/she deserves in about 8 months. :o)

While the estimated due date (and, therefore, age of Baby) vary slightly from website to website (depending on how they calculate the length of menstrual cycle, etc.), all of them put me somewhere between the last day of Week 5 to squarely in the middle of Week 6, so I'm fairly comfortable accepting Week 6 as Baby's age. Which means Baby's heart is beating this week, and a multitude of incredible and amazing changes are taking place daily within Baby. I have a hard time limiting myself to reading what's happening this week, though, and not jumping ahead to see where Baby will be a few weeks from now. I'm trying to be good, though, so next week I'll have something new to look forward to reading. :o) I've signed up for a multitude of weekly email newsletters that should keep me posted, too. I can't wait to get the call from the OB/GYN to schedule my first appointment!!

Minor Adjustments

I've always been very aware of my body: I can feel a headache coming on typically about an hour before it hits (just enough time to prevent it!), I know when I'm ovulating, I can feel when my body temperature is slightly higher than it should be, and when my sugar levels are getting out of whack, I know long before the standard symptoms start in. So it's not surprising to me that I had a hunch that Friday morning, and it's less surprising to me that I was right. It's also not at all surprising to me that I noticed the breast tenderness from very early on, and that I'm already finding myself avoiding certain foods because they just don't have the same effect on me they usually have.

I keep thinking SURELY most of this is in my head. I mean, most women don't even KNOW by this point in their pregnancies that they've conceived! They would just now start thinking, "Hmm... I'm a little late this month. Should I take a test?" But here I am, breasts constantly sore and aching, sensitive to even the touch of my bra, and the smell of certain foods making my stomach turn. I'm just afraid that if some of my symptoms are psychological, then what will life be like for poor Asher when the "real" ones hit?? Then again, maybe I'll be lucky and this will be as bad as it gets in terms of morning sickness and food aversions... I'm crossing my fingers! ;o)

So far, the pregnancy is having very little affect on my daily life, but everything seems drastically different. I drink more fluids and avoid certain foods that I keep reading could be dangerous for Baby (brie and other soft cheeses, deli meats, caffeine, eggs and meat that aren't fully cooked through, etc), and it seems like every tiny decision I make when meal time rolls around has the potential to have a tremendous impact! I don't want to take any chances, so I'm just the teensiest bit (insanely) paranoid about my food.

I feel tired most of the time. I know it could have something to do with surging hormones and whatnot, but I keep telling myself it's due more to a complete absence of my favorite drug (caffeine) in my diet, that Baby's just too little yet to have that much impact on my energy levels. That being said, I'm finding myself in the restroom every 2 hours like clockwork--which is more than a little annoying, I might add--from (according to my readings) increased blood flow and efficiency of the kidneys. So maybe Baby is more powerful than I'm giving him/her credit for! :o)

I keep finding myself in a sort of dream state, where I just can't believe this is really happening. It all seems so surreal, and I want it so bad that I'm afraid to let it become REALLY REAL to me, for fear that something will happen and, God forbid, I'll miscarry. I keep trying to distance myself... But that's really rather difficult to do when you can feel this tiny energy inside you! It colors my view of the world, too. When I feel myself starting to get angry or upset about something, I remember Baby... And I remember that I'm not living this life for myself anymore. There is something amazing at work, and I'm a part of it, and that really just makes everything that much more bearable.

Asher talked to Baby last night. He lifted my shirt in bed and put his face against my abdomen, talking to Baby. He also kissed Baby several times. I could have cried, I was so happy. I can't wait to see what he does when my belly's swollen and full and the world can see the miracle growing inside me!

Unexpectedly Expecting

I have no idea what possessed me to take that test, but when I woke up Friday morning (2/2/07), I just had this feeling. It's silly, I know, but I can't explain it any other way. I hadn't been observing symptoms for days and wondering if it could be true: in fact, I hadn't even really considered it before Friday morning. But when I woke up for work, something made me take that test. And the results were nothing short of a complete and total shock.

I stared for a very long moment at the digital display, wondering why I couldn't see the word "Not". Finally, I picked it up and walked into the bedroom in a complete and total daze. "Baby," I kind of squeaked, "I need to show you something." I held it out in front of him. "It's missing the word 'not'." He got this silly grin (that I'm not even sure he noticed) and told me to go to work. So I did. But not before walking in confused circles for several minutes, unable to remember where my socks were long enough to put them on or to find my car keys, hanging on the hook where they always hang. It was all such a shock!

When I got to work, I couldn't believe it. So I walked two stores over to CVS, picked up another digital HPT (different brand this time, just to help convince myself) and took it in the bathroom at work. Again, no "not" on the display. That's when I called the health center and made an appointment where, of course, the blood test confirmed the pregnancy.

So here I am, two days later, stocking up on pregnancy books (What To Expect When You're Expecting and Your Pregnancy Week By Week), joining every online pregnancy forum I can find, and obsessively monitoring every twinge and ache and tiny change in body temperature for signs of a continued healthy pregnancy and to convince myself that this is really happening and that I'm not going to lose the baby. Aside from the headaches from caffeine withdrawals and ridiculous heartburn, I really have no complaints. Plus, as an added little bonus, Asher has been just the teensiest bit more affectionate and attentive since Friday morning (not that he was ever inattentive, but the extra affection is nice. :o) )

I'm horribly overwhelmed about trying to pick an OB/GYN. I guess I'll call the Women's Center at OU tomorrow morning for recommendations, and hopefully I can get my first appointment scheduled sooner rather than later. I started on prenatal vitamins Friday night, my head finally stopped hurting from caffeine withdrawals, and I discovered that Tums not *only* help the acid reflux, but they're a source of calcium as well (good news for this little milk-hater!) The hardest part for me right now will be NOT WORRYING about every tiny little detail, followed shortly by trying to improve my eating habits to give Baby the nutrients he/she needs to grow healthy and strong.

That, and keeping the good news to myself long enough to establish that everything is going as it should, that the baby isn't in danger, and that it all isn't just some wonderful dream. :o)