One Week (Already?!? WOW!)

One week ago today (as of 8 minutes ago, in fact), my life was forever changed in the best way possible. One week ago today, the amazing and beautiful little Ceili Elizabeth Killian slid effortlessly into my life, and when I took her in my arms that first time, the world became a much more wonderful place.

There she was, all 5 lbs 2 oz of her, lying on my stomach, eyes wide, shivering and covered in slimy goop, and I couldn't believe my eyes. This tiny little being suddenly became the biggest love of my life. The most important thing I ever did, and it was almost too easy.

At some point which may have been two minutes after her birth or ten minutes after her birth, I began to cry. It hit me all of a sudden that, throughout this pregnancy, I had been afraid to really let myself believe that she was going to make it. I cried because I saw my dreams realized before my very eyes, and because I had been so afraid that we'd never have our baby. I cried for the child I lost, and I cried because I felt guilty for thinking about that one when this beautiful angel was lying inches from my face. I looked up at Asher, wanting so much to tell him how afraid I had been and how relieved and happy I was, but all I could say was something along the lines of, "I wanted this so much."

One week later, I find myself crying once again, just blown away at the intensity of my feelings. I love her in a way that I never knew I could, and, if it's possible, I love Asher more than before for having given her to me. I am at once both exhausted and invigorated. I feel like my life has somehow been validated, like I am now serving a much greater and more meaningful purpose. When I look at Ceili's sleeping face, my heart feels so full it could burst.

In fact, I had to take a break just now for about 10 minutes to cry my eyes out. Again, I tried to tell Asher what I was feeling, and all that came out was, "I wanted her so much." It's funny how I can't seem to say anything more than that.

I love to listen to her little baby snores while she sleeps. Her little gurgles and whimpers when she's half-awake and not sure if she wants to go back to sleep or not make me giggle. Her cries are like a trigger that sets off some piece of me I never knew existed: this intensely maternal spot that doesn't get annoyed at the noise or frustrated when I can't soothe her, but that smiles knowing that she's crying for ME, that warms at the sound of her healthy little lungs, and that goes into overdrive and magically speeds up every thing I do so that I can get to her as fast as is humanly possible. Sure, I may be low on sleep, and it may be difficult sometimes to rouse myself after only a short nap to feed her (an incredibly painful task between my severely aching back and my chapped, bruised nipples), but I am so fulfilled when I see her sad, hungry little face relax into this satisfied, peaceful look, I wouldn't trade those moments for anything. Everything I do now centers around her, and I love it.

She's healthy. She's perfect. She's tiny (4 lbs 8 oz at the pediatrician's this morning) and beautiful and looks just like her daddy. I have never been so much in love, and I never want her to grow up and stop needing me this much.

There is not a single thing lacking from my life now. I am truly and COMPLETELY happy.

One Week

One week ago today (as of 8 minutes ago, in fact), my life was forever changed in the best way possible. One week ago today, the amazing and beautiful little Ceili Elizabeth Killian slid effortlessly into my life, and when I took her in my arms that first time, the world became a much more wonderful place.

There she was, all 5 lbs 2 oz of her, lying on my stomach, eyes wide, shivering and covered in slimy goop, and I couldn't believe my eyes. This tiny little being suddenly became the biggest love of my life. The most important thing I ever did, and it was almost too easy.

At some point which may have been two minutes after her birth or ten minutes after her birth, I began to cry. It hit me all of a sudden that, throughout this pregnancy, I had been afraid to really let myself believe that she was going to make it. I cried because I saw my dreams realized before my very eyes, and because I had been so afraid that we'd never have our baby. I cried for the child I lost, and I cried because I felt guilty for thinking about that one when this beautiful angel was lying inches from my face. I looked up at Asher, wanting so much to tell him how afraid I had been and how relieved and happy I was, but all I could say was something along the lines of, "I wanted this so much."

One week later, I find myself crying once again, just blown away at the intensity of my feelings. I love her in a way that I never knew I could, and, if it's possible, I love Asher more than before for having given her to me. I am at once both exhausted and invigorated. I feel like my life has somehow been validated, like I am now serving a much greater and more meaningful purpose. When I look at Ceili's sleeping face, my heart feels so full it could burst.

In fact, I had to take a break just now for about 10 minutes to cry my eyes out. Again, I tried to tell Asher what I was feeling, and all that came out was, "I wanted her so much." It's funny how I can't seem to say anything more than that.

I love to listen to her little baby snores while she sleeps. Her little gurgles and whimpers when she's half-awake and not sure if she wants to go back to sleep or not make me giggle. Her cries are like a trigger that sets off some piece of me I never knew existed: this intensely maternal spot that doesn't get annoyed at the noise or frustrated when I can't soothe her, but that smiles knowing that she's crying for ME, that warms at the sound of her healthy little lungs, and that goes into overdrive and magically speeds up every thing I do so that I can get to her as fast as is humanly possible. Sure, I may be low on sleep, and it may be difficult sometimes to rouse myself after only a short nap to feed her (an incredibly painful task between my severely aching back and my chapped, bruised nipples), but I am so fulfilled when I see her sad, hungry little face relax into this satisfied, peaceful look, I wouldn't trade those moments for anything. Everything I do now centers around her, and I love it.

She's healthy. She's perfect. She's tiny (4 lbs 8 oz at the pediatrician's this morning) and beautiful and looks just like her daddy. I have never been so much in love, and I never want her to grow up and stop needing me this much.

There is not a single thing lacking from my life now. I am truly and COMPLETELY happy.

Baby Gifts

Because I know I will forget (or, as happened with my wedding gift list, I'll save it to a single computer only to have the computer then spend 6 months in the shop with my list unreachable), I'm going to post here the baby gifts I've received.

This way, when I try to write thank-you cards, I don't have to worry about the only computer dying or not being able to find the hand-written list.

...Because we all know my memory's worthless at this point. :o)



Lindsey: Mommy Bear (w/ womb sounds), OU Sooners pacifier
Machaelie: "Blessed" Angel Bear
Judi & Jason: Green & yellow washcloths (6), 3 waterproof bibs ("Adorable" giraffe, "Cute" duck, Ducks & snails), Green "Mommy and me" duck gown, "Best Friends" duck & snail blanket, Green giraffe blanket



The absolute BEST thing about getting these baby gifts before I go is that I know that now, when I get to Carson City, I get to assemble Baby's furniture, start buying things for the room, and start putting away Baby's things.

Baby already has his/her own things!! :oD

It should have been next Friday. NEXT FRIDAY.

Not 19 weeks from now, but a week and two days.

Next Friday.

Next Friday...

Next Friday.

Ultrasound Tomorrow

Tomorrow is the "big, formal ultrasound," as my OB calls it. The one where we might possibly be able to see/determine gender (although Asher doesn't want to know, meaning I can't know because I would inevitably slip and refer to the baby by gender-specific pronoun, but we're going to have the doctor write it down to send to Mom). I can't wait to see the baby again, and Asher's going to see our child moving around for the first time!! :oD

The appointment yesterday was uneventful. HR = 160bpm, normal. I LOVE hearing that little heart beating!! It's very reassuring, particularly on days like yesterday, where baby's hanging out in the deepest, darkest recesses of my uterus and I can't feel any movements. Some days, I feel the baby 2 or 3 times a day, but sometimes I'll go two or three days straight without feeling anything, and I can't help but wonder if everything's still going as it should. I enjoy the comfort of hearing a steady heartbeat to ease my worries.

My diastolic blood pressure is hovering near borderline high, so we're going to have to keep an eye on that, but it's really not at all unexpected, given my family history. My uterus is measuring 19", which indicates 19 weeks, so we're dead-on for where I am in my pregnancy (19 weeks today!).

Hopefully, the genetic screening I did over the weekend will be processed and results will be at the OB's office by tomorrow's appointment. Hopefully! Then we can discuss what came up, the possibility of further screenings and possibly eventual invasive diagnostics tests s/a amniocentesis (which I'm hoping to avoid at all costs!), etc.

I'm planning on working 8-10 tomorrow, then heading down to Norman for my 11:05am appointment. Whether I return to work after the appointment will depend upon how long/late the appointment runs, if there were any "red flags" on the ultrasound or screening results, and if we have to do further lab work or discuss diagnostic options. Or I might just take off the rest of the afternoon because it'll be a nice excuse to take a nap. ;o)

I'm blaming work for my elevated blood pressure readings. Stress and whatnot, ya know. I think it's a sign I should just stay in bed and relax for the next 20 weeks. ;o) And take a yoga class!! :oD

I'm restless and excited about holding Asher's hand during this ultrasound tomorrow. I just can't wait!! :oD

Breaking the Silence

I know, it's only been 8 days since the last post... But I feel like I haven't written anything here in ages! Which makes me feel guilty, since this is sort of a tribute to my baby, and I'd hate to think that my child might grow up, read this, and think, "Sheesh, Mom was hardly even thinking about me!" Actually, that couldn't be further from the truth.

I am now 18 full weeks into my pregnancy (18w, 2d to be exact), and my next OB appointment is Monday (4 days!!), at which point we schedule the next ultrasound (!!) for a week or two after. I'm feeling the baby fairly often, but we haven't yet reached the point where I can expect to feel something on a daily basis. Most of the pregnancy-related sensations these days are the twinges and aches associated with an expanding uterus pulling on the surrounding ligaments. Occasionally, there's a fairly significant bout of dizziness, but nothing too spectacular. I just feel like I'm drifting along, waiting for signs of anything new or exciting...

I can't wait to hold Asher's hand and watch our baby squirm and kick and wriggle again. I can't wait to see his face when he sees our little one for the first time! And I'm VERY curious to see if I'll be able to identify gender based on my limited knowledge of ultrasound images... :oD

I've started going to Wal-Mart and Babies R Us on my lunch breaks to scout out baby stuff and get a general idea of pricing on cribs, car seats, strollers... All the good stuff. ;o) Of course, we won't be buying any of that stuff until we get into our new place in Nevada (we have enough to move already! :) ), but it might make more sense from a budget standpoint to start buying things one at a time pretty soon so we don't have a whole pile of things we need all at once when the baby arrives.

I cannot keep my hands off my stomach anymore! If they're not specifically occupied elsewhere, they're irresistably drawn to my belly, as if there were a giant magnet installed... I've read that the baby can hear and will respond to sounds now, and that the baby can also feel touches through the abdomen, so I've been talking and petting the baby a lot when I think no one's watching. It's incredible how deeply in love I have fallen with this little person I've never even met! :o)

Halfway Through, and I May Need a New OB...

That's today's picture, at 17 weeks and 1 day.

There are a lot of questions now about where our baby will be born, who will deliver him/her, and what lies in the future for our little family. We should know by this afternoon whether we're going to stay in Norman or make the move to Carson City, NV so Asher can begin his new job on October 1st.

I'm very excited and terribly anxious. I think moving to Nevada would be a terrific adventure that would bring a LOT of new opportunities for us. It would be strange and unfamiliar, and getting out of our lease here and finding a suitable place to live out there on such short notice would certainly be a challenge, but I believe the move would be a good one for all of us. I'm just ready to know what the future holds, whether Asher will accept that job offer or choose to stay put in Norman...

Asher has given the City of Norman a deadline of noon today to make him a suitable counteroffer, but things are looking bright for Carson City, whether Norman makes a solid offer or not... Guess we'll find out this afternoon!!

Baby Beatings

As I was sitting at my desk this morning, I started to feel... something.

It was like when you feel your pulse throbbing softly in a limb that's half-asleep, or when your stomach's flip-flopping from nerves. It almost felt like a mild nausea, but I couldn't quite place it.

That's when I realized: my baby's beating me up!! And it's FANTASTIC!! :oD

For about ten minutes, it was almost a constant thing, and I had to get up and walk around so I didn't start to feel queasy, but I'm grinning like an idiot and totally thrilled!! I can't wait for them to be strong enough for Asher to feel, too. :oD