Vomiting is One Thing...

...But I feel like I've got the flu now! :o(

First, I got REALLY dizzy waiting for the elevator to go down to my car for lunch. We're talking so dizzy the room literally started spinning, I nearly fell over, and I had to leave the elevator lobby and sit on the nearest bench for a few minutes. I still felt wobbly when I finally got on the elevator.

So I go to lunch, feeling fine, appetite piqued. I eat a reasonable amount of primarily bland foods. Apparently, bland didn't help. I get back out to my car in the parking lot, start the ignition, and immediately start vomiting. I was *barely* able to grab an old McDonald's bag from my floorboard in time to get sick into that. Unfortunately, it was not built for such incredible volumes of vomit, and when I finally finished and tried to put it into a large plastic sack so it wouldn't rip... You guessed it, the bag ripped, spilling the contents all over my leg and the side of my seat. I used every napkin I had hoarded up in my car just trying to get the bulk of it removed from the seat and the gap between the seat and the center console, but while I was standing outside the car cleaning it up, it starts POURING rain. Lovely. So I get everything into the plastic bag, swish some Sprite around in my mouth and spit it out, dig a peppermint out of my purse, and drive to Wal Mart, where I was supposed to pick up some snacks for our Agency Meeting this afternoon.

Of course, the first thing I did when I got there was go to the bathroom and wash my hands & face and brush my teeth. While I was in the store, I found a pair of $10 lounge capris and changed out of my jeans.

Now, I'm sitting back at work, looking utterly ridiculous in the baggy lounge pants that only almost match my shirt, feeling like it's 200 degrees in the office, my stomach still lurching, still dizzy, exhausted... I could seriously cry. And I probably will, my entire way home. In the flooding streets and torrential downpour that just won't quit.

I just want to go home. :o(

So Far, So Good...

Yesterday, I received The Girlfriends' Guide to Pregnancy and In The Womb from Amazon.

The Girlfriends' Guide is a rather humorous, bluntly honest, in-your-face sort of manual. I appreciate its candor. The whole premise is that it's full of all the things that your doctors and pregnancy books won't tell you, but that your closest girlfriends would confess in a private session about the whole ordeal. It mentions individual's encounters with morning sickness, stretch marks, what ACTUALLY happens to your boobs during and after pregnancy, your sex life during pregnancy, and so on. It talks frankly and openly about the more unpleasant side-effects, not to frighten you, but so you can have realistic expectations and so you don't freak out when you start to notice odd things happening that nobody ever told you about. One topic that had quite a lot of mention in the portion of the book I read last night (which was probably nearly 1/2 of the book) was hemorrhoids, and how the poor author had no idea what they were and went into hysterics, fearing the worst, until she was informed that they are a common problem of pregnancy. So the book's primary aim seems to be to help expectant women avoid those frightening experiences that could have been prevented with ample education.

In The Womb is full of incredible pictures of computer generated images and award-winning models, depicting the full journey of the fetus from sperm & egg to fully-developed baby. Since I am more than a little preoccupied with what Baby looks like with each passing week, this book is really special for me, and I have to admit that looking at the images makes me teary-eyed.

The morning sickness seems, overall, to be improving. I've got my definite good days and my definite bad days: some days, I feel fine and can eat whatever I want all day (like yesterday). Some days, I feel like I barely have the strength to sit up straight, and I fear that each passing minute will bring a frantic trip to the bathroom, toothbrush and toothpaste in hand (like today, unfortunately).

Throughout it all, though, there is a growing sense of excitement and fascination with Baby. I see my stomach starting to edge its way out, and while I know right now I look more chubby than pregnant, I anxiously await the day when people start noticing and asking when I'm due. I'm trying not to get TOO far ahead of myself (i.e., thinking of names or how I want to decorate the nursery) until I know more, like the gender of the baby, etc. I have a nagging feeling that I'm carrying a little girl, but maybe that's just because before, I had a hunch I was carrying a boy, and this time, everything seems so different. I'm not going to put much stock in that suspicion; I'll just wait for a later ultrasound to confirm gender before I start going totally crazy with it all. :o)

It was nice reading in The Girlfriends' Guide last night that I'm not the only woman who becomes immediately obsessed with their pregnancy, from the very moment they start to suspect they might be pregnant and right on all the way through... It's nice to know that other women find it impossible to concentrate on work when there's a life developing inside them, that lots of women suddenly forget about everything and everyone else in the world and view their pregnancy as the ONLY thing of import on this planet.

It's also nice to see that I'm not the only one who's going positively insane and tormenting their spouse with irrational hormonal behavior. ;o)

Anyway, I suppose I should be working. I just needed some time to focus on Baby. :o)

MEAN Mommy-to-Be!

Asher's been teasing me for about a week now about my hormones, laughing at me when I'm feeling affectionate, irritable, or when I'm just sitting there. I figured he was just searching for ways to tease me, because I wasn't noticing ANY changes in my moods from the pregnancy.

Wow. Today, it couldn't be more obvious.

I love my job, but from today until the end of next week, I'm covering a large portion of our Traffic Manager's duties while she's on vacation. She gave me a quick run-down on how it all worked on Tuesday, and yesterday she stopped by my desk every time there was a new batch of jobs to traffic and walked me through each one. For the most part, I think I've got it, but it's VERY confusing because there are entirely too many exceptions to every general rule! Anyway, I'm supposed to go by her office and run whatever's there 4 times a day. I just made my first pass, and it seemed like every time I started to do anything, the stupid phone rang! Then I'd lose my train of thought, stop by someone's office to ask for help figuring out where something confusing went, and the phone would ring halfway through their explanation. Then, apparently EVERYONE in the office went into a meeting, so someone called asking questions I couldn't answer, and I couldn't find anyone to let me know who to forward the call to!! So the call dropped because he was on hold too long, he immediately called back, I STILL hadn't found someone, so I just picked someone and forwarded him to their voicemail.

It was all this big chaotic mess, though, with me juggling the cordless phone, 5 stacks of papers, a note pad and pen, the phone ringing off the hook... When the phone rang again the very moment I sat back down at my desk, I nearly started crying.

It's the stress and confusion of trying to do someone's job without ample training (a job which, btw, is crucial to the company and could cause VERY big problems if not done correctly, contributing to my stressload quite a bit) combined with stressing over insurance issues (long story, but the insurance company is denying claims on my ER trip from the March miscarriage, as well as the testing that confirmed this pregnancy, and they're going to make me go to Goddard to take a completely unnecessary pregnancy test to confirm a pregnancy that an ULTRASOUND has already confirmed, which will mean an extra half day I'll have to take off work for absolutely no reason)... Plus the fact that I've felt positively ill EVERY DAY FOR A MONTH, I can't seem to get enough sleep no matter what I do...

...Oh, and those lovely hormones!

So, basically, I'm a complete and total wreck. Have I been acting like this for the past few weeks and just completely oblivious to it? Has poor Asher been putting up with this for long? Goodness, I hope not!!

I just want to be in the 2nd trimester, with the hormones level and the mood swings and morning sickness gone so I can just sit and think about my baby and smile.

I just want to go to BED.

Belly Pics: 8 weeks, 1 day

I figured I might as well post a few images of my swelling belly! They were taken on my camera phone at work this morning, so they're kinda blurry, and I was pulling my dress so that it lay more flat against my stomach to better show the bulge. Just for reference, I'm also reposting a pic from my last pregnancy from the middle of my 9th week, after that baby was lost but before I had any knowledge of it.


9 weeks, 2 days, before m/c


8 weeks, 1 day


8 weeks, 1 day

Pep Talk

I called Mom the day before yesterday, asking if she had experienced any difficulty letting her guard down after miscarriages. I told her that I want to be excited, but every time I start to think ahead, I freak out and start to worry that I'll jinx it. I told her how, despite there being absolutely no signs of trouble at this stage, I felt like I was always actively looking for signs because I was afraid to be caught unprepared again.

Mom called me yesterday, concerned about the previous day's conversation. She told me I needed to just let go and enjoy this time. She said if this pregnancy comes to term and this is our first child, I won't want to have spent my entire pregnancy worried and distant. She told me I needed to enjoy it while it lasts, because I won't get it back.

I guess it helped. :o) I'm smiling more today. More comfortable having imaginary internal dialogues with my offspring. I'm stopping by the big mirror in reception more frequently to grin at my bulging belly. I'm starting to wonder if I'm carrying a boy or a girl. I even talked to Mom last night at the end of our conversation about what themed baby stuff she's got and how I'll be sure to check with her before buying anything or adding anything to a registry so I can save money as much as possible.

Little One, grow strong and healthy! Don't bail out on me, got it? :o)

Still Fighting the Morning Sickness...

Throwing Up: NOT my favorite way to spend the day at work!

Nausea is a hateful thing.

I called Mom the other day and asked her if she had trouble with morning sickness with her pregnancies. She said only when she was pregnant with me. I guess this is her revenge, then. ;o)

I have to admit, though, that I'm not entirely unhappy about having morning sickness. On the days when my stomach is more steady, I start to worry about my hormone levels, the viability of this pregnancy, etc. On days where I throw up five times, I feel more confident that there are plenty of hormones surging through my veins.

Still, though, I can't seem to stop worrying about miscarriage. I try to tell myself that, by this time last pregnancy, I had already been spotting for a few weeks, and the mild nausea had all but disappeared (without ever actually becoming more than a minor discomfort). There hasn't been any sign of trouble this go-around, so I really feel like I should stop LOOKING for signs... But perhaps that's just what happens after you lose one. I tell ya, after I reach my second trimester and see a more developed baby on ultrasound, I will feel a MILLION times more confident. In the meantime, I'll just have to accept that I cannot know for certain what's going on inside the dark recesses of my uterus, and I can't possibly know for more than a month. (It's going to be a long month...)

At least I've finally let myself start reading the baby books and websites again, tracking development of the fetus through each week... And I think I'm going to break the news at work in our July newsletter, which prints next Monday. I'm terrified that announcing it will somehow jinx it, but with all the trips to the bathroom I'm making and as many people asking me if I'm ill as there are, I should probably ease some of their concerns. Plus, when I have to take off part of a day for an OB appt. here in the next week or two, no one will question why I'm going to the dr. so often. And, God forbid, if something goes wrong, at least I won't have to offer an explanation for needing time off... But we're not planning on that happening again. I'm keeping my guard up still, but like I said, there have been absolutely no signs of any trouble with this pregnancy, and I won't let negative thinking ruin the experience.

Lunch

For lunch today, I had:

* Tuna sandwich (just tuna & miracle whip) on toasted whole wheat bread
* 8 oz. fresh pineapple chunks (I cut it up myself!)
* 3 mini-crullers from Hostess (the bread was right next to the snack cakes/donuts section, I couldn't resist!)
* 1/4 can Sprite

So, while I am utterly unable to keep down chicken (even the blandest of grilled chicken, perhaps one of the easiest things to stomach EVER), apparently tuna's okay. And man, lemmetellya, that pineapple was the best, most satisfying, yummiest thing I have EVER put in my mouth!! :oD

Cravings may suck, but there is NOTHING like indulging them!! Especially when it's something guilt-free like fresh fruit! :o)

I'm almost out of saltines, though. I meant to pick up another box while I was at the store. Oops.

Craving

If I don't get pineapple soon, I will surely die.

Or at least cry... a LOT.

I NEED pineapple!!!!!!!!!!!!

Beginning to "Bump"

I know, I know... It's way too early for me to be looking pregnant. But that familiar little bump is beginning to peek out. About half the pants I own are now too tight, and every long button-up (which I wear loose over tank tops to work on a regular basis) is starting to get snug down at my abdomen. Baby's getting ready to make his/her presence known, it seems!

The morning sickness won't let up. Yesterday, I stayed home from work, due in part to nausea and in part to an accounting test and some homework assignments I was stressing over finishing in time. I thought perhaps I had gotten past the worst of the morning sickness when I didn't throw up once all day long!! But, alas, it seems that was merely a result of having spent the day resting in bed and eating small meals frequently throughout the day with no real physical exertion. This morning, I woke up feeling okay, but by the time I hit the elevator at work, I had to sit down and put my head between my knees just to survive the ride up. And, right on schedule, I had to run to the bathroom to get sick.

Today, I was caught by Kathy, who noticed my eyes tearing up and thought I was in there crying. Alarmed, she kept asking what was wrong and if I was okay, so I finally confessed that I'd been throwing up and it makes my eyes tear up, no big deal. Which led her immediately to the realization that I'm pregnant. She got all excited and hugged me, and switched to a whisper when I told her I wasn't quite ready to break the news to everyone in the office yet. So two people know, and at least one or two other seem suspicious. There just happens to be a stomach virus drifting around the workplace, though, so I've got a good cover story if anyone else catches me vomiting. If Kathy hadn't thought I was crying, I'd have had no trouble telling her I was just feeling ill! :o)

I'm wearing my maternity pants today. Not because I need them, but because my other black pants are all uncomfortably tight, and since I had these from back in March, I figured I might as well. The giant elastic band in the waist is REALLY comfortable, and I'm wearing a long shirt to disguise it... Only problem is this shirt is clinging fairly tightly to my swelling belly, so I look fat today. Ah well, eventually the pudgy look will give way to obvious pregnancy roundness, and I won't have to feel so insecure about it.

Symptoms, Ahoy!

This morning sickness is getting just a little out of hand.

Every morning, brushing my teeth proves more than I can handle. Every day around 10am, a huge wave of nausea hits full-force. Yesterday, I got sick at work. Had to run to the bathroom, where (of course!) one of my coworkers walked in on me just as I was finishing up, and then stood there washing her hands as I frantically brushed my teeth, trying to remove the awful bile taste from my mouth. Thankfully, I had remembered to pack the travel-size toothbrush & toothpaste in my purse a few days prior!

I figured I felt so sick yesterday because my stomach was empty when the nausea hit, so today, I brought some mild bready-type foods to keep my sugar levels steady and my stomach lined with something. It helped, but only in the amount/severity/violence of the 10am attack. I still had to go to the bathroom and get sick, and I'm still feeling like a child, unable to control my stomach.

Chicken, my favorite food in the world, is now strictly off-limits. It doesn't matter if it's grilled, fried, in a sandwich... Chicken, that lightest of meats, excellent source of protein and easy on the stomach, for some reason leaves me positively ill a few minutes after I eat it. So it's out. Along with chocolate chip cookies, it seems, as the very thought now makes my stomach turn (although I was happily chowing down on them just 3 or 4 days ago!).

At least my bras still fit (for now), and the tenderness there isn't unbearable, just uncomfortable.

...So THIS is what it feels like to be pregnant! Bleagh! I'll be happy when that second trimester rolls around, lemme tell ya!

Heart Beat!!

The ultrasound today dated the baby at 6w3d. We saw a very clear yolk sac, fetal pole, little arm and leg buds beginning to poke out, and a strong fluttering where my baby's little heart was just chugging away!! Had a heart rate of 125bpm, which is completely normal and healthy for this stage of the game and a VERY good sign. Some studies show 70-90% of pregnancies will produce a healthy living baby after a strong heartbeat is seen and heard on ultrasound, and others show more than 95% will come to term! So things are looking good. Still a bit concerned about the slow-rising hcg levels, and still have a full 6 weeks more before I can start breathing easily, but after seeing and hearing my little one's heart beating, I'm feeling a lot more confident.

And I finally believe that I'm pregnant. :o)

3 Hours, 20 minutes, and counting...

Our office closes at 12:00pm today for the company party. The company party I'll miss because I'll be at the HealthPlex, finding out if I'm going to have a baby or not.

At least this time the ultrasound is abdominal. And while I won't have any *answers* until Monday, I'm hoping to at least find out a)if there's a baby in my uterus (as opposed to an ectopic pregnancy), b) if that baby is an actual baby or a molar pregnancy or residual tissue or something from March, c) if the baby has a heartbeat.

If it's ectopic, that's potentially life-threatening, so I don't imagine they'd stay silent until Monday and risk it rupturing and, you know, killing me. I'm hoping that, if there's no baby or a dead baby, I'll be able to see well enough myself to know it.

I saw the baby on the ultrasound in March, lying there, motionless, no signs of life. It gave me a sense of closure, much like viewing a corpse in an open coffin at a funeral service. If there is another baby and it's not going to make it, I'd like to have that same sense of closure and resolution.

And if there's a healthy, growing baby in my uterus, I'll of course be pleasantly surprised. However, with the odds the way they are, I'm afraid to allow any inkling of hope in before the doctor tells me one way or the other.

It Never Ends...

Finally got the phone call. "Your hCG levels are rising just awful slow, so we're gonna need to get you in to do an ultrasound. They're just rising really slow, which we see from time to time, so Dr. Waterman says to do the ultrasound to double-check it."

So I'm going in for an ultrasound Friday afternoon. The dr. apparently won't have the results until Monday.

...So an entire week MORE before I know if my baby's even alive.

If I have to go through this again right now, so soon after the first one, I'm going to absolutely break down. I don't know how I could possibly recover from it again.

Uncertainty Reigneth

Well, went Friday evening and Sunday evening and had blood drawn. Monday, when I finally heard back from the dr's office, all the nurse would tell me is, "Well, the levels didn't go up quite as much as the dr. would have liked," and said our options were another hcg quant Tuesday or an ultrasound. So I guess I'm pregnant. But possibly not for long... My stupid insurance will only cover one ultrasound for the entire pregnancy, and since one will be needed later on if I carry the baby to term, I can't use up my only covered ultrasound now. I asked what the out-of-pocket cost for an ultrasound would be, and the nurse said they run about $300-400. Ouch.

So yesterday I went and had blood drawn a third time for the hcg quant. They know me by name now at the Healthplex. Three times in six days: that's a lot of bloodwork! My right arm was all bruised up from the two blood draws there, so they drew from my left arm, which, as per the usual, immediately turned into a pretty blue bruise, so at least now my arms match. I assume I'll get a call some time this afternoon about the results of this latest draw.

All I know is I've spent the last 3+ weeks thinking I was PMSing but no cycle ever came. I've been thinking for 2+ weeks now that I was coming down with something because I was feeling a little queasy and off my stomach. The last 4-5 days, I've felt like vomiting for the vast majority of every day. My boobs are swollen and HURT, certain foods I normally enjoy are now making my stomach turn, and the symptoms have been getting steadily and noticeably worse for the past 7 days. I'm definitely feeling pregnant, and I'm definitely responding to some increase in hormone levels. Whether that increase is enough to support a growing fetus, I don't know. But, by my best estimation, it's been about 9 weeks since LMP, and at this point last time, I was spotting and symptoms were very faint and already waning. There has been no sign of spotting or blood this time, even after intercourse (which there was every time before), and symptoms are increasing in severity as well as in numbers. I NEVER felt this lousy with the last baby! So maybe--MAYBE--there's some room for hope. But I refuse to let myself think of this as a child until I've been reassured by the doctor that things are progressing in a normal and healthy way, that I'm safely into the second trimester and past the most dangerous time for miscarriages, and until I've seen a baby and its heartbeat on an ultrasound. I won't let myself be caught off guard again. I can't face that again. So, until I hear otherwise, I'm just sick and treating my body the way a pregnant woman does just in case.

Take Two?

Well, it appears we might be having another go at this whole thing.

About a month (maybe 5 weeks) after the m/c, I had a normal period. I didn't bother noting the exact date, because I assumed it would be several months before my body resumed a somewhat normal schedule, but I remember being surprised it came at its usual interval (which is anywhere between 4-5 weeks).

About three weeks ago maybe, I started feeling like my period was about to start. Like, any minute. The cramping, mild bloating, tender breasts, moodiness, and acne were all very clear indications of impending menstruation. Then... it never came.

I didn't think anything of it, just assumed my body's not regular yet after the m/c and that it would happen eventually... But then, about a week ago, the pms-type symptoms started to fade and I stopped feeling like I was on the verge of starting. However, my breasts began to get increasingly more tender, and I started gagging every time I brushed my teeth (which happened to me only when I was pregnant). I started to wonder if there was any possible way I could be pregnant again. I knew it would have to be a VERY long shot, so I didn't seriously consider it.

Last Thursday, though (6/7), I got fed up of wondering when my durn period was going to start and worrying whether I'd be prepared when it came. So I went to Walgreens and bought two pregnancy tests (I always buy the 2-packs). My plan: Take the hpt Thurs. night, and my period would be guaranteed to start the next morning (of course it would; it was just waiting for me to waste cash on a test!). I took the test around 7:30pm on Thursday, when I was virtually guaranteed to get a negative (not only was I convinced I wasn't pregnant, but hcg levels are least detectible in the evenings, so even if I was early on in pregnancy, I'd still get a negative result). To my absolute SHOCK, the digital display very clearly read "Pregnant"!!

I took the second test Friday morning, just to be sure, and it again read "Pregnant". So I called the obgyn from work and left a message saying I was concerned because I didn't know if I actually was or if the positive was reading residual hormones from the miscarriage March 8, and could the hormones even stick around that long?!? My ob was off Friday, but a nurse called me back and said she'd fax lab forms over to the Healthplex to do hcg quants, and I went Friday and again yesterday and had blood drawn for the test. Dr. Waterman is supposed to review the results this morning when she gets in to see how the levels compared from Friday to Sunday, if they indicate pregnancy, and if they DO, how far along I am. Because I have no real clue.

So now I'm sitting at work, anxiously awaiting a phone call that may not even come until the end of the day, sipping on my Sprite and hoping my stomach calms down. I threw up last night, and again this morning while brushing my teeth. I had to run by McDonald's on my way to work because I felt so nauseous I couldn't wait 30 minutes for a Sprite and a bite to eat. My boobs feel heavy and ache with each step I take, and my face looks like a 13-year-old's. I'm sleeping even more than usual, and feeling physically exhausted after much less effort.

I am utterly convinced now that I'm pregnant.

The thing is, I can't let myself get my hopes up. First of all, it may be that I *was* pregnant and have already lost it, or am in the process of losing it. My hcg levels should show if that's the case. If I'm pregnant and the levels are at the right places and doubling at the right frequency, etc., it doesn't mean I'll still be pregnant in a week, much less several months down the road. And I can't afford to get all excited again, only to have my dreams crushed.

I just need to wait until the phone rings and I hear the test results directly from the dr. or one of her nurses, and then I just have to take it all one step at a time. But man, I FEEL pregnant, and I know that's what this is... I only hope it takes this time!!