Uncertainty Reigneth

Well, went Friday evening and Sunday evening and had blood drawn. Monday, when I finally heard back from the dr's office, all the nurse would tell me is, "Well, the levels didn't go up quite as much as the dr. would have liked," and said our options were another hcg quant Tuesday or an ultrasound. So I guess I'm pregnant. But possibly not for long... My stupid insurance will only cover one ultrasound for the entire pregnancy, and since one will be needed later on if I carry the baby to term, I can't use up my only covered ultrasound now. I asked what the out-of-pocket cost for an ultrasound would be, and the nurse said they run about $300-400. Ouch.

So yesterday I went and had blood drawn a third time for the hcg quant. They know me by name now at the Healthplex. Three times in six days: that's a lot of bloodwork! My right arm was all bruised up from the two blood draws there, so they drew from my left arm, which, as per the usual, immediately turned into a pretty blue bruise, so at least now my arms match. I assume I'll get a call some time this afternoon about the results of this latest draw.

All I know is I've spent the last 3+ weeks thinking I was PMSing but no cycle ever came. I've been thinking for 2+ weeks now that I was coming down with something because I was feeling a little queasy and off my stomach. The last 4-5 days, I've felt like vomiting for the vast majority of every day. My boobs are swollen and HURT, certain foods I normally enjoy are now making my stomach turn, and the symptoms have been getting steadily and noticeably worse for the past 7 days. I'm definitely feeling pregnant, and I'm definitely responding to some increase in hormone levels. Whether that increase is enough to support a growing fetus, I don't know. But, by my best estimation, it's been about 9 weeks since LMP, and at this point last time, I was spotting and symptoms were very faint and already waning. There has been no sign of spotting or blood this time, even after intercourse (which there was every time before), and symptoms are increasing in severity as well as in numbers. I NEVER felt this lousy with the last baby! So maybe--MAYBE--there's some room for hope. But I refuse to let myself think of this as a child until I've been reassured by the doctor that things are progressing in a normal and healthy way, that I'm safely into the second trimester and past the most dangerous time for miscarriages, and until I've seen a baby and its heartbeat on an ultrasound. I won't let myself be caught off guard again. I can't face that again. So, until I hear otherwise, I'm just sick and treating my body the way a pregnant woman does just in case.