Detached

This is ridiculous.

We're watching an episode of Voyager, and one of the officers is exhibiting all kinds of signs of some sort of depression. It looks all too familiar... And I mention that she looks and is acting like I have felt for the past week. Not sad or anything... Just apathetic. Unfeeling. Detached.

And she's looking for ways to hurt herself... She says it's so she can feel SOMETHING. I'm not doing that. I don't care whether I never feel again.

One of the other characters tells her she can't turn off her feelings and emotions. The hell you can't.

I don't feel a thing these days. I don't mourn the loss of my baby because I rarely have enough emotional response to feel loss. I don't eat because I hardly feel hunger. I haven't been sleeping well because I haven't felt tired.

I barely feel a thing... And yet, I still desire to feel LESS. I want to medicate myself into obliviousness. I never want to feel anything at all ever again.

One thing I do feel: Dread. My return to work tomorrow morning means interacting with people again, which I have so successfully avoided for the past 10 days. It means facing questions about how I'm feeling, what happened, etc. I can't face that. If anyone asks me tomorrow at work about ANYTHING related to this, I can't be sure I won't break down and walk out without a word. One pair of sad eyes looking at me could be enough to cause a breakdown. I can't feel. I can't afford to feel. If I feel, I will fall apart. I will think... And I can't let myself think.

I never want to leave this room. It's safe here. Here, everyone knows what happened. No one asks. No one pries. Here, I don't have to think or feel.